Can Anxiety Be Good for You?

Rising to the Challenge

For most of us, anxiety can hardly be imagined to be a positive thing- we often are overloaded with work, family, financial, social and relationship obligations  to the point that we never feel relaxed. Many of us walk around with a fearful sense of dread that cannot be shaken, with a pounding heart and a clenched jaw.

But for many poets, comedians, actors, athletes and philosophers, anxiety can been experienced advantageously, and has been labeled the “handmaiden of creativity.” Before a performance, actors find it a helpful hormonal springboard to achieve emotional heights they never could hope to achieve during rehearsal.

In fact, in just the right handful, the hormones that drive anxiety can be a powerful, arousing stimulant that allows our senses to function at their best. There is a point when tension and performance rise in lockstep with the quality of that performance. In just the right amount, we can remember with almost perfect clarity everything we need to know for our performance or test, and this is when those that know how to really use anxiety for their own benefit can shine and blossom.

Not all Anxieties are Equal

This ability to turn anxiety back onto itself is something that some of us are more adept at doing than others. For many of us, anxiety is just crippling. Our nervous systems are not quite as adept at distinguishing between mortal terror and non-mortal circumstances. For many, there are constant subtler worries that grind at us every day, and make it impossible to relax. It is this constant feeling that creates a kind of chronic anxiety condition that leads to overload and paralysis. Sometimes a chronic anxiety condition is the consequence of having lived through a threatening experience, and then having to live in dread of its reoccurrence, such as with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Running from the Tiger

For all the suffering that anxiety causes, it is important to remember that we need it. Ultimately, anxiety is a reaction, an arousal to stimulus that we perceive as dangerous and threatening. If, evolutionarily speaking, we did not react within nanoseconds to the perceived threat of the tiger in the jungle as our progenitors did, we might not be here at all. When we perceive a biological threat, our brains short-circuit away from the thinking parts of our brain and the neural pathways head straight to the hypothalamus, in a sort of biological red-alert. This releases hormones that increase heart rate, perspiration, and blood flow. This is what the human body needs to move as quickly as possible away from danger.

Why Can Some Harass Anxiety for a Better Performance?

So what distinguishes those that can use anxiety to enhance performance from those that that find anxiety debilitating? Several things. First, a person with a traumatic childhood is likelier to be debilitatingly anxious than those that grew up in a supportive and nurturing environment. Also, genes play a significant role in how adaptive we are to stress and anxiety. Researchers have identified about 150 aberrations in DNA associated with anxiety of the less adaptive kind.  For example, a child with a parent who suffers from OCD is five times more likely to suffer from the syndrome themselves that a child in the general population. Also, nurture influences nature and vice versa; nervous pups born to a nervous dad experience some kind of trauma of their own, reacting to it more negatively than a normal baby mice would.

Jennifer De Francisco, MPA, MSW, LCSW is a couples counselor in the Newport Beach, Irvine, and Orange County area. She specializes in relationships and depression.

Please contact her at (949) 251-8797 to make an appointment.

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What is Financial Infidelity?

Financial infidelity occurs when one person in the marriage habitually lies to their partner about their spending habits, and it is done in such a way that it is threatening the health of the marital relationship. Sometimes the person has racked up hidden credit card debt; sometimes they have hidden away a bonus so they can secretly spend the unexpected windfall.

Financial Infidelity Destroys Trust in a Relationship

Financial infidelity deteriorates trust in a relationship; infidelity, sexual or otherwise, creating distance in the relationship and thus making it virtually impossible for the couple to be emotionally intimate. Couples that engage in financial infidelity are sabotaging their relationship and denying themselves the tremendous emotional benefits that marriage has to offer. Often times they do not believe they deserve love and care from their partner, and are unconsciously pushing that person away through self-defeating behaviors.

Depression and Shopping Make a Dangerous Cocktail

Couples who commit financial infidelity often do so out of feelings of low self-worth, as shopping can be a brief anesthetic from emotional pain. These individuals have difficulty controlling their impulses and often have significant shame, guilt, and depression regarding this behavior, since they often do not understand it themselves. Buying something new may make them euphoric for a short period of time. The fix is temporary, however, and this brief jolt of excitement is usually not worth it for them; they ultimately do not enjoy their new purchase and feel even worse for having lied about it.

Money Means Something Different for Everyone

Sometimes financial infidelity occurs for far less deep reasons- a couple may simply have different ideas regarding spending and what money represents. Take flowers, for example. Perhaps the wife really enjoys having fresh cut flowers in the home as it brightens things up and adds life to the home. The husband might feel this is an extravagant, wasteful expense and that the money should go into the retirement or college fund, where it would be useful. To avoid conflict, the wife may say, “Mrs. So-and-So cut these flowers for me from her garden, isn’t that sweet?” or “they were only $2 at Trader Joe’s, what a bargain!”

Money Secrets are Disrespectful to Your Spouse

Unfortunately, this behavior creates more distance, less intimacy, and ultimately, is emotionally disrespectful. Friction and conflict are sometimes needed to become emotionally closer and it can take some emotional turbulence in the short-term to work through each other’s needs and expectations, financial or otherwise. It shows disrespect for the other partner’s views, feelings, and wants to not let this process happen.

Jennifer De Francisco, MPA, MSW, LCSW is a marriage counselor in the Newport Beach, Irvine, and Orange County area. She specializes in relationships and depression.

Please call her at (949) 251-8797 for an appointment.

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Defense Mechanism of The Week: Sublimination

The “Good” Defense

Sublimination is often seen as the “good” defense in psychological and popular thinking. By definition, sublimination represents a creative, healthy, and socially acceptable way of expressing internal conflicts. Originally, Freud stated that sublimination was the expression of more primitive impulses into a socially acceptable form. For example, homicidal impulses can be acted out symbolically by becoming a lawyer and “slaying” his or her enemies in the courtroom. Another example would be the dentist subliminating sadistic impulses through working on others’ teeth and gums.

Psychologically Healthy and Socially Beneficial

Sublimation has been considered the “healthiest” of the defenses for resolving internal conflict, as it discharges energy instead of changing it into something different. For example, the dentist is discharging the sadistic impulses through sublimination whereas if he or she were to have to deny the feeling, a lot of wasted energy would be put into this process. Sublimination is also considered a creative or useful way of expressing problematic impulses or conflicts; in fact, they are considered socially useful and perhaps most importantly, artistically meaningful. For these reasons, Freud considered this defense mechanism to be more elevated and productive than introjection, denial, projection, or repression.

A darker way of looking at sublimination, however, is that we do not divest ourselves of infantile strivings, but rather learn to manage them in better or worse ways.

Jennifer De Francisco, MPA, MSW, LCSW is a Newport Beach marriage counselor who also serves the Irvine and Orange County areas, specializing in relationships, anxiety, and depression.

Please call (949) 251-8797 for an appointment.

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How Do You Create a Happy Marriage?

If you want to know how to have a meaningful, fulfilling marriage, you might want to ask those with a long and successful history of being happily married. The happy marriageCollege of Human Ecology at Cornell University recent completed what they called “The Legacy Project”, in which they interviewed more than 1,000 older Americans from all socioeconomic and occupational strata about what they felt they had done right and wrong over their lifespan regarding their marriages and relationships.

Similar Ethics and Values

According to the respondents in the study, a life-long, satisfying marriage is most likely when both people are fundamentally similar in temperament, character and habits. In addition, the couple is most likely to be happy if they share the same values, ethics, and goals. Initially, romantic love tended to be what brought the couples together, but open communication, strong friendship, a willingness to compromise, and a commitment to the institution of marriage are what kept most relationships together over the long term.

Putting Family and Marriage before your Career

Parenting can also create stress in a marriage, especially when economic pursuits limit the amount of time parents can spend with their children. Most respondents stated that it was far more satisfying emotionally to spend time with their children, even if there was an economic sacrifice to do so, such as losing a promotion.

Not a SINGLE person in a thousand felt that putting the majority of their energy into work was the road to happiness in either life or marriage. Despite most having wanted a satisfying career and monetary success, every respondent felt that over their lifespan it was far more satisfying to spend time with their spouse and families than to burn the midnight oil at work, and if they had it to do over again, then would spend far less time at work.

Jennifer De Francisco, MPA, MSW, LCSW is a Newport Beach marriage counselor who also works in the Irvine and Orange County areas, specializing in relationships, anxiety, and depression.

Please call (949) 251-8797 for an appointment.

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Defense mechanism of The Week: Introjection

What is It?

At its simplest, introjection is the process of misunderstanding the feelings that come from the outside as coming from the inside. Although introjection tends to be a more primitive defense, it can sometimes be used in a healthy way. For example, introjection is the internalization of authority that we all need. According to Freud, we all internalize the values and judgments of our parents and society at large, thus making it a part of our own psyche and self-identity.

Identifying With the Aggressor

More often, however, introjection is a destructive process. The most striking and classical of examples is “identifying with the aggressor”. Under conditions of fear and abuse, people will sometimes take on the qualities and feelings of their abuser in order to control fear, emotional pain, and anxiety. In other words, instead of feeling like a helpless victim, they become the powerful inflictor. This is often seen in characters that are prone toward impulsivity, sadism, and explosivity.

Complicated Grief-When Loved Ones Become Part of Us

Introjection can also be seen in the grieving process and its relation to depression. When we are deeply attached to those we love, we introject them- in other words; they become a part of ourselves. If we lose this person, we feel we are diminished, and a part of ourselves have died. A sense of emptiness can ensue, which can be part of the grieving process. If, however, we are overly focused on how to restore the lost object rather than how to have a life of meaning without them, then depressive guilt can ensue. We may become over-preoccupied with the irrational feeling that we did something to cause their death.

Jennifer De Francisco, MPA, MSW, LCSW is a Newport Beach marriage counselor who specializes in the improvement of relationships, including couples counseling, grief counseling, and individual psychotherapy.

Please feel free to call her at (949) 251-8797 for an appointment.

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