When Is Sexting Cheating?

Marriage | January 16, 2012

Think long and hard before you press that send button. In mid-2010, Rep Anthony Weiner (D-NY) announced that he was resigned from Congress as a result of “tweeting” nude, and perhaps even lewd, photos of himself to several women who were not his wife. Although he stated that his behavior was unacceptable and he was publicly taking responsibility for his actions, he REPEATEDLY stated that he had not cheated and he had not had a physical relationship with anyone outside the bounds of his marriage.

What Is Sexting?

One way of defining it simply is as sexy, or dirty texting with either words or photos. Sexting does not occur only through twitter but also through Facebook, phone texting, and on Skype, and has become a phenomenon over the last decade.
Positively speaking, sexting can promote intimacy between couples that want to stay connected. After all, couples in relationships normally spend all day apart, and with events that cause physical distance, such as business trips, sexting can enhance closeness and attachment.

Is Sexting Cheating?

Although Anthony Weiner might not think so, approximately two-thirds of the adult population does feel sexting is cheating if the person is married and participating in sexting outside of the bounds of their monogamous relationship. Less than a third of the adult population believes that this is acceptable behavior for a married person or an individual in a committed relationship.

A Relationship is a Relationship is a Relationship

Somehow, because sexting is virtual, is simply does not feel wrong to some people; since there is no physical contact involved, the gravity of what they are doing is never felt, and through denial they can brush away the seriousness of their actions. But if an individual is involved with someone over text or Facebook, it is still a relationship, even if it is based in fantasy. Virtual relationships are often a way to stay in marriage while creating distance from their partner at the same time, much like emotional affairs. Many feel invigorated by the attention and the sneaking around, and will use illicit behavior as a way to avoid feelings of anxiety and depression.

How Should Sexting Be Handled?

Some couples are more accepting of flirtation in their relationship than others; some couples are, in fact, very tolerant of their spouse or loved one being flirty with someone else. If, however, you are deleting your texts, hiding your cellphone bills, or being secretive about your virtual relationship with someone else, then you have probably crossed over some important line, whether you want to call it cheating or not.

In general, the vast majority of us should not be flirting online, or anywhere else for that matter, out of respect for our spouse.

Jennifer De Francisco, MPA, MSW, LCSW is a couples and marriage counselor in the Newport Beach, Irvine, or Orange area specializing in relationships.

Please call her at (949) 251-8797 for an appointment.

0 Comments | Add a Comment

What is An Emotional Affair?

Marriage | January 11, 2012

An Affair of the Heart

Sexuality infidelity is pretty cut and dry; one partner steps outside the bounds of the relationship and engages in sexual activity with someone other than their spouse. Emotional infidelity can be defined as having emotional intimacy, under the guise of friendship, without consummation of a physical relationship. An “Affair of the Heart” is an emotionally charged relationship that makes it impossible for the person to be emotionally engaged with and available to their spouse.

In fact, emotional affairs often occur because one person in the marriage needs emotional space from their spouse. Unfortunately, because the emotional affair affects the dynamics of the marriage and the closeness within it, it has the capacity to be as injurious to the committed relationship as a one-night stand or other sexual acting out behaviors. In fact, some people find emotional affairs to be a greater betrayal than sexual infidelity since such tender, private and intimate feelings have been expressed toward an outside person.

Emotional Conflict, Emotional Distance, and Denial

Emotional affairs often occur when someone is conflicted about their marital attachment; they are not happy inside the relationship, but the do not want to end it. As such, there is a strong need to distance themselves from the primary relationship, while at the same time feeling that they are doing nothing wrong. The defense mechanisms of rationalization and denial predominant, with the “cheating” partner often feeling that she or he is doing nothing wrong since they are not “doing anything” sexually.

Despite feeling at a surface, conscious level that they have a harmless, innocent relationship with a member of the opposite sex, the “cheating” spouse often hides from their spouse the content of the conversations with their special friend, the frequency of their contact, and lie about meeting up with them. Despite their outward denial, they know, at some level, that they are engaging in inappropriate behavior or they would not go to such lengths to conceal it.

Signs of an Emotional Affair

•Increased marital fighting over the cheating spouse’s friend

•Lying about the intensity or frequency of contact or meetings with this friend

•The Cheating Spouse Discussing Marital Problems with the Friend

•An inability to address that this might be an inappropriate relationship, with the cheating spouse refers to the person repeatedly as “only a friend” despite marital tension and conflict

•There is an obvious physical attraction between the cheating spouse and the friend

•The Cheating Spouse discusses feelings, issues and thoughts with their friend instead of their spouse

Jennifer De Francisco, MPA, MSW, LCSW is a marriage and couples counselor in the Irvine, Newport Beach, and Orange County area. Jennifer also specializes in depression counseling. She can be contacted at (949) 251-8797.

0 Comments | Add a Comment

What is Co-Dependency?

Reference | January 5, 2012

Although there is no diagnosis for Co-Dependency in the DSM-V (the diagnostic manual most often used by clinicians) it can be a useful concept in understanding how some individuals involved in relationships with alcoholic or abusive spouses are often suffering from their own parallel pathological processes. Co-dependent individuals are most often female, and have extremely high instances of suffering from depression and anxiety. The criteria for Co-Dependency is as follows:

1) The investment of self-worth in controlling others in adverse situations
2) Meeting the needs of others without considering one’s own needs
3) Experiencing extreme anxiety around issues of intimacy and separation
4) Being in an enmeshed relationship with persons with personality disorders or substance abuse problems

Other related indicators include substance abuse, anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, stress-related illnesses, and compulsive behaviors.

The co-dependent person, at least on a conscious level, is repeatedly breaking boundaries to control and “save” the alcoholic from themselves. Such behaviors would include throwing full bottles of alcohol down the drain, calling in for their loved one at his or her work after a bender, or posting bail for him or her after they have been incarcerated multiple times. They complain incessantly that the alcoholic is ruining their life with his or her drinking, and believes that if their partner simply stopped the destructive behavior, their life together would be normal, healthy, and happy.

In truth, most co-dependent persons mentally decompensate when their partner is able to stop drinking successfully. Once their spouse has stopped drinking, they lose all sense of control in the relationship, which is frightening and anxiety-inducing. The chaos in the alcoholic relationship is also normative for co-dependent individuals and often addictive. Many will admit that the best sexual encounters occur in the relationship when the other partner is using or drinking and things are at their emotionally most chaotic.

How to Treat Co-Dependency

It is often said that alcoholism is a family disease, and there is much truth in this idea. Co-dependent individuals tend to respond very well to all forms of treatment, including 12 Step programs such as Al-Anon as well as psychodynamic psychotherapy. Co-dependent individuals tend to be caring, loving, people, and it is important to encourage the co-dependent person to accept psychological intervention, as their needs are so often overlooked by themselves and their spouses. Clinicians often overlook their needs as well, as they are superficially compliant and are not acting out actively like their spouses, who are more likely to garner the professional’s concern and attention.

Jennifer De Francisco, MPA, MSW, LCSW, provides couples counseling, depression counseling,  and divorce counseling for those suffering from codependency, alcohol dependency, and other diagnoses in the Newport Beach, Irvine, and Orange County area. Please contact her at (949) 251-8797 if you are interested in making an appointment.

2 Comments | Add a Comment

Can Listening to Music Relieve Pain?

Reference | January 4, 2012

A growing number of researchers are starting to use music in clinical settings as an analgesic to pain. At the very least, it takes the patient’s mind off of the pain (think music to relieve painearbuds during a long jog), and now scientists are trying to determine whether or not it actually reduces the pain sensation.

In a recent study at the Univeristy of Utah, through the study of pupil dilation and brain activity, scientists discovered that as patients became more focused on the music, they experienced a greater relief from physical pain. The biggest effect was seen on those who were anxious about what they were experiencing physically. Other studies have had similar findings, demonstrating that those that were engaged in “music therapy” required less morphine for their pain than those that were not.

Ultimately, more research is needed to see if the effect of music can be significant alter the levels of pain, or if it is more of a helpful distraction.

Jennifer De Francisco, MPA, MSW, LCSW, provides couples counseling, depression counseling and psychotherapy in Newport Beach, Irvine and Orange County. If you are interested in making a consultation with her, please contact her at (949) 251-8797.

0 Comments | Add a Comment

What Is Sex Addiction?

Marriage | December 29, 2011

Is sexual addiction a true diagnosis? If so, how is it treated? With celebrities, sports heroes, and politicians repeatedly getting caught in sexual indiscretions, marital marital therapy Newport Beachinfidelity, and repeated affairs, the public is becoming more and more aware of high-profile personalities publically declaring their diagnosis of sex addiction. These individuals do not actually say they are sex addicts, but they announce that they will be attending several months of sexual addiction rehab after a particularly embarrassing and public episode.

The concept of “sex addiction” remains a very controversial designation- some believe that it is simply a label used to justify the bad behavior of those that repeatedly engage in promiscuous behavior and infidelity. Although there is not technically a diagnosis for it in the DSM-V (the diagnostic manual most often used by mental health clinicians) it is often referred to as hypersexual disorder, and in some cases, it is very real- it can destroy a person’s life much like alcohol or drugs.

For those that truly suffer from sex addiction, they are compelled by the same heightened emotional arousal from sex as an alcoholic or drug addict is from their substance of choice. According to the research, a form a dependency starts to develop on the dopamine that is emitted from engaging in sexual behaviors, and they can start to think of little else. For these individuals, it is a never-ending chase of that emotional high, whether it is through pornography, prostitution, or illicit one-night affairs. As a result, the stakes tend to be quite high- sex addicts often get sexually transmitted diseases and lose friendships, relationships, and even employment.

Currently, as many as 9 million people in the United States are thought to suffer from sex addiction, and according to the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, there has been an tremendous increase in incidences over the last few decades. Many experts feel that this exponential growth has been due, in part, to the advent of online pornography. While many, many people-in fact the majority- who look at online pornography will never develop a problem, for some people it becomes like a drug. They simply cannot stop. And for others, it becomes a “gateway drug”, spurring them to try harder stuff, like cheating, infidelity, and prostitution.

How Is It Treated?

First, sexual addiction should not be used as an excuse for hurtful behavior, infidelity, or simply being caught cheating. Simply because an individual chooses not to honor his or her wedding vows, this does not give him or her the right to self-diagnose themselves with “sexual addiction”. An affair does not make one an addict- it is only an addiction if repeated, obsessional thoughts and actions are ruining an individual’s work life, love life, and friendships.

Sexual Addiction is sometimes treated in groups, with treatment programs modeled on Alcoholics Anonymous, a 12 Step model. Rather than pushing sexual abstinence, however, the idea is to achieve what is called “sexual sobriety.” This means that for most people, they do not completely abstain from sex but rather strive to no longer engage in unwanted sexual behavior, whether it is watching pornography or engaging in one-night stands.

For many individuals, however, sexual acting out is simply masking feelings of depression and anxiety. Also, many individuals have difficulty trusting and forming meaningful attachments with others, and sex is the only way that they know how to connect to others. For many, working through these painful issues is needed in therapy.

Jennifer De Francisco, MPA, MSW, LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker in Newport Beach, Orange County. If you are interested in couples counseling or treating sex addiction, please contact her at (949) 251-8797.

1 Comment | Add a Comment