Why Do Some Happy Newlyweds Divorce While Other Couples Stay Happily Married?

Unfortunately, evidence shows that a percentage of couples who are happily married as newlyweds are still getting divorced after several years of marriage. Why are some couples able to create a long-lasting, meaningful marriage while others seem to lose newlywed divorcesatisfaction and contentment over time?

In a longitudinal study between happy newlyweds that eventually divorced after 5 to 10 years of marriage and happy couples that stayed married, the researchers looked for as many possible differences between the two groups to possibly account for why some couples become less satisfied with their marriages over time. In many respects, the two groups were strikingly similar; both groups appeared committed to their marriages and the ideals of marriage, and there were no differences in whether they had cohabitated before marriage or whether they had children. The divorced group was younger, which might indicate less emotional maturity in handling the needs and wants of a spouse.

What appeared to be crucial above all were the deleterious effects of negative marital communication patterns on the couple. Although there appeared to be very little difference in the positive communication styles of all the couples, those that divorced years later had notable differences in their negative communication patterns. Couples who eventually divorced exhibited more anger and contempt for their spouse, and were more likely to blame and invalidate the feelings of their partner. Those that divorced spoke excessively of what they would like to change about their partner, discouraged the expression of feelings, and insisted that their spouse resolve the difficult situation on their own.

It appears that the difference between satisfied couples and young couples that end up divorcing is most related to a lack of support for each other and contemptuous negativity that eventually poisons a meaningful relationship.

Jennifer De Francisco, MPA, MSW, LCSW is a marriage and couples counselor in the Irvine, Newport Beach, and Orange County area. She specializes in relationships, depression, and grief.

Please call her at (949) 251-8797 to schedule an appointment for marriage counseling.

One Response to Why Do Some Happy Newlyweds Divorce While Other Couples Stay Happily Married?

  1. W. Ying says:

    The negative communication pattern must be originated form “invalid happiness”, which is something like a lens distorting the reality.

    The reality of marriage is:

    “6. Marriage (Primary Symbiosis)
    Marriage is one of the most important parts of human primary symbiosis.
    A. Origin
    Marriage was originated after biological evolution progressed from asexual propagation to sexual one. It is so because the sexual propagation can cope with all kinds of difficulties much easier than the asexual one.
    B. Definition
    Biologically speaking, marriage is one whole bio-entity or co-body consisting of a couple of husband and wife.
    This couple is integrated spiritually in order to keep both their DNA alive in their offspring’s body —- a better new carrier for keeping their DNA alive than both old individuals of the husband and wife.
    That is why a marriage couple sleeps in a bed and works as close together as possible.
    Also, this is where the kiss, embrace, and etc. come from.
    C. Properties
    Once married, any person of the couple ought never to cut the whole bio-entity or co-body into two parts with great suffering, that is, to divorce.
    Divorce is caused by various kinds of invalid happiness, including extra-marital affair, invalid comparison, and etc.
    Divorce not only hurts the couple individually, but also harms their offspring and even the society they live in. Hence, it is not only personal matter but also a social event close to crime to some degree.
    D. Mechanism
    Marriage woks just as one whole spiritually inseparable biological machine made of two halves-parts.
    a. Husband
    The husband half is biologically assigned in charge of food-seeking, habitat constructing, defending, donating all kinds of co-body-safety messages ceaselessly to his wife (kissing, embracing, and so on) .
    His ability and smartness come mainly from the ceaseless intimate encouragement of the other half of the marriage —- the wife.
    b. Wife
    The wife is biologically assigned in charge of the child bearing, child bring up, house hold, and etc.
    She transfers all the physical substantial materials from her own body into the baby’s. Also, she exhausts all her spiritual energy to bring up the baby or child —- the DNA-carrier of both the husband and wife.
    That is where her mother-greatness and beauty come from.
    Her beauty and virtue are support-enhanced by the ceaseless intimate co-body message from the other half of the marriage —- the husband.
    This is the right way that the husband and wife of a marriage work; and the right way that happy life of the couple comes from.
    Then, there will be no issue of gender equality at all.
    E. Caution
    Never a marriage should be misled by any kind of invalid happiness into invalid sufferings, including the most serious one —- the divorce mentioned above.
    To keep all kinds of the invalid happiness away is easy if a person just understands and believes in the life goal is to keep our DNA alive rather than anything else.
    Strictly speaking, this way or mechanism of marriage should be legislated formally. That is, to legislate against treating spouse not as the other half of the whole bio-entity or co-body, nothing to say about divorce which is very close to crime injuring our society.

    Life Goal
    Set my life goal,
    Far from the innate code,
    So I can never reach the goal,
    It gives me a nervous soul,
    My immune index gets low,
    My health down goes,
    How can I live old?

    Set my life goal,
    Close to the innate code,
    I easily reach the goal,
    It gives me a peaceful soul,
    My immune index is no low,
    My health up goes,
    I briskly live centuries old.

    For better keeping DNA alive,
    Symbiotic group is easy to survive.
    A couple of husband and wife,
    Make the strongest symbiotic life.
    The male leads food-seeking and defending,
    The female does propagation and educating.
    Anyone violates these biological rules,
    Must one’s self, offspring, and symbiotic group,
    Be in trouble for happy life to do.”

    (From “Be Happy Validly!” by W. Ying, page 19-24, CreateSpace, Amazon, 2012)

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